“I hear you wondering out loud Are you ever gonna make it?
Will you ever work it out?
Will you ever take a chance and just believe you can?
Hell yeah you will You’re gonna be ok
You might get lost but then you’ll find a way”
Neil Diamond - Hell Yeah
Chuck was very charismatic, had a lot of friends, knew a lot of people, helped everyone and anyone and loved women. The love for women was genuine; he thoroughly enjoyed them, respected them and admired them. He was a gentleman first and foremost and was the happiest helping a woman fix whatever needed fixing and through his solo business he was able to do just that. Most clients being widowed or divorced, would need help with their homes and with little money would be hard pressed, but Chuck, through word of mouth from the women he had already helped, would swoop in, take care of it, only charge them what he knew they could afford, be declared a hero and would come home each day grinning from ear to ear, eager to share his good deeds. He was very happy with these accomplishments and I was happy that he was doing what he loved; every morning I would help tie his red cape around his neck and send him off into the world to do good. Sometimes I would think about why he had the need to come to their rescue, but in not being able to save his first wife, I believed this was his way to soften that pain and save others. And because I had been single and on my own for way more years than coupled, I totally understood the plight of my sisters and did what I could to support him and his effort.
And so it was to be that two weeks shy of our seventh wedding anniversary that I would walk outside and find Chuck, collapsed on the ground, non-responsive. I started CPR even though I already knew he was gone and in that one moment, my life changed completely.
There were a great many days that followed and details that I will never forget no matter how many years have passed, but the one thing that I experienced beyond the loss and heartache and fall out that goes along with that one moment, was another kind of fall out. It didn’t happen immediately because initially the loss of my husband was all too surreal and I couldn’t wrap my head around it. But after a long while, after I learned to function in an altered state, I began to experience an additional loss; the loss of friends, good female friends that were married or had a significant other. For some reason, they slipped quietly away, without a word, ending our relationship at a time where another loss for me was a lot to bear. At first I thought they may have been uncomfortable, not knowing how to act or what to say or that I may have been too much of a reminder of the beloved member of our group that was no longer there but then I knew that some of the times it was because they were afraid; afraid that I would take away their husband. There was some of Chuck’s family who rejected me outright as not being a blood relative and therefore not family and excluded me from that point forward. No matter the reason, it was all very hurtful and I retreated further inward, never one to assume and never wanting to be anywhere I was not welcome or invited; I realized I had been inducted involuntarily into this “Club” that I never wanted to belong to or would wish on anyone else.
It was many years later, when talking with other women who had lost their husbands that they brought up the same experience they had with their friends and family and felt that same hurt.
The “Club” had become part of their daily lives, sometimes in subtle ways, others more glaring. But as more years passed and I forged a more “single” life for myself, there were less of those experiences and frankly I didn’t put myself in situations where I would inadvertently invite it in. I became extremely guarded in an unconscious sort of way, and as with life, over the last four years, things had become so hectic that I really hadn’t thought too much about it, until I was recently reminded.
Last week, I was outside at my friend’s house when her neighbor came over. During the course of the conversation, she mentioned that her father had passed away and that her mother was going through a terrible time; her friends didn’t want anything to do with her and she was very hurt. Then Sunday, my girlfriend and I were having dinner with an older friend and while she was sharing her story of how she lost her first husband and then her companion of five years, she told us of how her friends and some family had abandoned her and how difficult of a time it was for her. I wondered why I was hearing this story, my story, over and over again.
I knew what a gift to the world and to my single “sisters” out there that Chuck had been and I now understood that in a very personal way. I was not given a choice of whether I wanted to be in this club or not, the universe and Chuck made that decision for me and once you are inducted, it is for life. However, once you survive whatever tsunami has washed over you and taken you out, you then find your foothold to begin to push forward again. It may take a good long while but trust me, you will. I do not understand why women abandon other women at the most vulnerable of times and will not attempt to guess. I do know that if they do withdraw, it is really about them and it is best to let them take themselves far away from you. You have a different mountain to scale.
I pray that you will never be inducted into the Club or experience the loss, then hurt and abandonment that gives you the sponsorship to join. However, if you find yourself here, along with those that have come before you, know that you would not be here without the strength and resolve to get through. The universe will send you whatever help you really need. So, let go of who or what does not want to stay, for they are making room for something new to come in. And go get some duct tape, they come in really cool colors now. If you know of someone that has lost their significant other, please stand by them; I know you have that old cape buried somewhere.
To all my “Club” sisters out there, Semper Fi!
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