“And just like that, she was gone
The girl I used to be and, in her place
Is a sense of peace, a sense of knowing
That it’s okay and,
That it’s time to walk alone”
By Anthony Thompson
I am waiting. I have been waiting now for a very long time, past this lifetime and back before the first of them. I am sitting inside of myself, in the dark, in the quiet and calm. Ever present, sensing all I am connected to and all that is connected to me. I am taking care, care to stay buried, deep within, waiting, until it is time, my time. In this quiet I sit in any darkness that defies my light, any impediments buried deep that would keep me for its own, hold me back, steal me from my full self. I continue to go through every part of me, every weakness, every shame, every lie I ever told about myself and to myself, understanding well that I can be my own worst enemy. And we spar until I come away the victor and can then, once again shed yet another layer that surrounds and suffocates me, holding me back still.
As Venus stands in the heavens, squared against Chiron, fighting for her life, I also stand squared against the Chiron of many lifetimes that has wrapped me in layers of shame and guilt and weakness and obscurity, both of us knowing that no one will come to our rescue, we only have ourselves. And this is our time to fight.
I see that I have been hiding, staying out of view, protecting myself, keeping me safe. There are very few who know me for my true self, and only see what I present on the other side of facing in. I am battle weary, continuing the crusade forced upon me by greater Gods, to take each layer and pull it back to face what truth it holds for me, painful or celebrated. I can see where I have come from, the twists and turns, the monsters and guardians, the hills that have impaled me and the ones I have been resurrected from.
In this place of dark and quiet, a place of great retreat and reflection, I have diligently been doing the work, seeing with all of my heightened senses and fighting so that there is none that can interrupt, distract or pull me from within; I am here, immersed fully. And here in this still point, I am completely safe and can surrender still further to a deeper meaning, a complete understanding, tied to the most divine connection. Gathering up whatever pieces of myself have scattered to the four corners, that have been stolen or battered and in need of repair, I pull myself together like a grand puzzle that announces my very purpose for the here and now. But just not quite yet.
And like everything that occurs in our world, it is in the timing that proves us victorious. And so when the heavens and earth align in this new year that has not quite yet invited us in, I stand at the ready, knowing what awaits me. And standing in this still point, right now, is where I need to be.
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